Raising Children and Vainglory

St. John Chrysostom presented to us a sermon or an article entitled “On Vainglory and the Right Way for Parents to Bring up Their Children.”

This article received great interest from some Orthodox scholars and others, because it touches on the lives of the Christian family, the whole Church, and society. It takes a serious look at our appreciation of the child’s vital role in these lives. The article comprises 90 paragraphs, 74 of which address the subject of child rearing by giving parental advice on pastoral, psychological, and educational matters based on the Church spiritual writings.

I assigned this chapter to present the thoughts and views of this saint, together with comments of some scholars regarding this article which deserves every attention from all.

It is a fact that in raising children, many parents seek the guidance and support of teachers, professors of psychology and sociology, relatives and friends. These sources undoubtedly have major significance, especially in providing a closer look to life. However, it is proper that parents should first and foremost submit to Christ himself and to the Church to get to know the extent of their responsibility towards their children. They should present their own lives as true models for the children, so that they can bring them up as members of the holy family i.e. the Church.

VAINGLORY AND THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN

In his analysis of this article, Richard J. Vincent said that Chrysostom had dedicated the first one-sixth (1/6) of his homily for lamenting over the exceeding decadence in his surroundings which are dominated by the sin of vainglory. This sin had its impact on the Church. It “Destroyed… and tore the one body… and shattered love ” (Chapter 1). Vainglory is attractive, as it has its many temptations (Chapter 2), but at the end, it is devastating, and only provides what is a vacuum, and idleness (Chapters 3, 4). People make huge efforts to gain praise which is not only unbeneficial to them, but also leads to them being deserted and forgotten by others (chapters 5-8). The madness of vainglory bears destruction and quick extinction.

St. John Chrysostom opens his article by talking about vainglory. Perhaps, because the main concern of many parents toward their children is driven by their own vainglory, instead of working towards their children’s salvation, inner growth, and real success. They want them to succeed in their professions, become rich, and secure high social status, only to boast about them. So, the children become their parents’ means of vainglory. This blow is felt in our modern societies. Parents want their children to achieve where they themselves failed, for nothing but their own pride!

The fifteenth chapter is a link between talking about vainglory and the upbringing of children. St. John Chrysostom considers that parents’ failure in training the new generation on virtues leads to serious damage which manifests itself in the madness of vainglory. This is when parents are most concerned about external appearances of their children instead of inner virtues, which consequently gives way to vainglory (Chapter 16).

The Saint realized that many people underestimate his words, and consider them to be trivial: [No one is thinking about his children. No one discusses celibacy and self-respect, or contempt of wealth and fame or the commandments listed in the Scriptures] (chapter 17).

THE IMPORTANCE OF CHILD REARING

St. John Chrysostom considers that the Thanksgiving sacrifice from parents to God should be to bring the children up according to what pleases God. Their minds should be set that their work is not for the children’s pleasure or delight of their parents. or their country, but to please God (Chapter 90). Through God’s satisfaction, everyone will gain happiness.

The birth of a child is a blessing from God, a gift offered to the parents. It is therefore appropriate to dedicate the child to the God whom they know and love as their Creator and Father. Without this, their love of God is not evident. St. John says that every child becomes a child of God in Christ through Baptism, Chrismation, and the Eucharist by the Holy Spirit who dwells in him. Therefore, the parents ’ responsibility is to ensure that the child remains a child of God, to follow the commandments of Christ and his teachings, and to strive for the virtues of the Christian life. St. Chrysostom provided tips for parents to help them with the child’s growth and to remove obstacles facing the child in his development by giving them the positive and negative aspects.

CHILD REARING IS A SACRED WORK!

Archbishop Chrysostom regards the role of parents in bringing up their children as a sacred work, practiced by parents to submit to God thanksgiving sacrifices for his delight and satisfaction. He emphasizes that it is not obligatory that every child should practice or be prepared for monastic life. But parents should teach their children “to be proper from their early youth” (Chapter 19).

It is natural and instinctive for a person to have children, but to bring them up and teach them virtues is within the mind and the willpower.

When I say commitment towards the upbringing of children, I do not mean not to leave children starving to death as many people would stop at that – this has been clearly stated by nature itself and does not need books or laws to be taught. But what I am talking about is the attention to children’s hearts and piety. This is a sacred duty and whoever violates it commits some type of murder of these children.

This commitment concerns both fathers as well as mothers. Many fathers sacrifice everything to secure pleasures for their children and make them heirs to wealth, but do not care much about their Christianity or their practice of piety. What blindness! This is deemed as a crime! It is ridiculous negligence leading to confusion which causes bitterness in the society. Suppose you prepare great possessions for them. If they were ignorant of how to behave in their lives, certainly these possessions will not last in their hands. The inheritances will dissipate and perish with their owners and the whole matter will become a very precarious legacy!

Your children will always have sufficient riches if they get a righteous upbringing from you that enables them to manage their behavior and have an ethical life. Therefore, hopefully you will not strive to make them rich, but to make them pious, in control of their desires and rich in virtues. Teach them not to think of deceptive needs or think that they are valued based on contemporary standards (worldly and materialistic). Gently watch their behavior, their friends, and their acquaintances – do not expect God’s mercy if you do not fulfill your duty.

FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF PARENTS WHO CARED FOR THEIR CHILDREN

Follow Job’s example, he was constantly caring for his children, and made sacrifices for mercy for any wrongdoing, which they might secretly have, done (Job 1:5).

Follow Abraham who did not concern himself with requesting riches as much as keeping every member of his household in God’s commandments. The Lord testified for him, “For I have known him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him, that they keep the way of the Lord, to do righteousness and justice” (cf. Gen 18: 19).

When David was close to death, he wanted to leave Solomon a secure legacy. So he made him clearly repeat the following wise words: “That the Lord may fulfill His word, which He spoke concerning me, saying, ‘if your sons take heed to their way, to walk before Me in truth with all their heart and with all their soul.’ He said, ‘you shall not lack a man on the throne of Israel'” (1 Kings 2: 4).

We need to follow these examples in our lives until the last breath.

EARLY ATTENTION TO CHILD REARING

The Archbishop urges his people to act as early as possible when training their children. A child is more open to accepting guidance at the start of his life (Chapter 20). If a person delays the process of upbringing, it would be difficult to change the child’s personality or to guide him to the better (Chapter 21).

If the Apostle commands us to care about others more than ourselves, and if we are considered sinners, if we neglect their welfare, wouldn’t we be sinners even more if this matter concerned those who are close to us?

The Lord will say: “Was it not I Who gave these children a place in your family? Was it not I Who entrusted them to your care, and made you masters, guardians, and judges over them? I gave you full authority upon them. I handed them entirely over to you, in order to raise them.

You might tell me that they did not want to bow their necks to the yoke, and they abandon it. But this could have been avoided from the very beginning. It would have been fitting for you to bow their young souls under the yoke of faithfulness, and teach them to get used to it. By this way, you would be treating a wound at its beginning.

It was fitting of you to pull out the weeds as they appeared near the plant, and inappropriate to wait until they deepen their roots and it becomes impossible to tame and control desires. Gradually correct them during their growth and development.

The Son of Sirach says: “Do you have children? Teach them and bend their necks from childhood” (Sirach 7:23). The Lord did not only push us to follow this commandment through his prophet’s words, but he also took our side, and awarded this commandment a terrifying punishment waiting for those children who do not submit to the authority of their parents; “For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death” (Leviticus 20:9)… They rebel against God Himself, and defy his commandments, yet you watch this without showing any disgust, without even giving minimum criticism to your children!…

The children, who are respectful and faithful to God in obedience to his laws, find an enormous source of happiness even in this materialistic life. A poor man with Christian ethics inspires others to honor and love him. On the other hand, the wealth of one with an evil and dishonest heart will not save him from the anger of everyone around him or God’s wrath.

The youth whom you grant righteous upbringing does not only enjoy others’ appreciation, but will also become very close to you too. His devotion to you will not only be because of nature, but will be a fruit of his virtues. For this, in your old age, you will reap the fruit of his kin’s love and services. He will be of help to you. Since those who do not revere the Lord are disrespectful to their parents, those who revere God – the Father of all human beings – will give every respect to those who gave them life.

ADVICES FOR PARENTS

1. Choosing his/her Name:

St. John Chrysostom believes that the first lesson the parents give to their child is in choosing his/her name. He addressed this topic in a lengthy manner and requested that the child should be named after one of the martyrs, the apostles or the bishops not after other family members (Chapter 47), wanting parents to realize that their child belongs to the heavenly family more than to them, or to their families. A child takes pride in his given name and tries to be like its carrier, whether it’s one of the martyrs, the apostles or the bishops, offering his heart wholly in devotion to the Lord.

A loving relationship develops between the child and the Saint whom he is named after. This relationship grows over time, and the child aspires to be like him, and requests his prayer. However, the child will not become a replica of that Saint, because every believer has a unique personality and is a unique son to the Lord!

Based on this advice, some believe that the first gift offered to a child on his birthday (or baptism) should be the icon of the Saint, whom the child is named after. If the feast of that Saint falls on a different day to the child’s birthday, the family should celebrate that feast as a special day for the child.

2. Teach the Child Satisfaction and Contentment:

It was important to Saint John that parents guided their child towards satisfaction and contentment, as the Wise says: “Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure with trouble. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with hatred” (Proverbs 15:16-17).

3. Direct the Child towards the Scriptures:

St. John Chrysostom calls for the parents to guide their children to enjoy and study the Bible. The parents harvest the first fruits of this course as the Bible instructs the children on obedience to their parents. So, the parents will find the spirit of meekness and obedience in their children.

On the other hand, it seems that some parents were worried about their children’s interest in the Bible, that they might get inclined towards the monastic life. That is why the Saint explained that the children who live in the world – as they grow in stature – need to practice the word of God more than the monks. This is because they face more tests and trials. As many are interested in the education of their children so that they attain higher jobs in a royal palace or other places, which in turn, would expose them to the spirit of pride and arrogance. Who can contain these thoughts? They need the Bible more than monks for this.

Because it is necessary to give guidance to the children, the Apostle directed his letter to the parents saying: “And you parents… bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

Do you want your son to be obedient? From the start, raise him according to the teaching and manners of the Lord.

You should not assume that it is not necessary that the child pays attention to the Holy Scriptures. The first thing he would hears is: “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12), and immediately you begin reaping your reward.

Do not say that the Bible is for monks and question yourself saying: Do I want to make my son a monk? No. It is not necessary for him to be a monk. Make him a Christian!

Why are you skeptic of a good thing? It is fitting for everyone to know the biblical teachings, and it is a true necessity for children…

Let’s teach them to study the Bible from early years and be an example to them.

Whom does the monk speak with? With the walls of his cell, or with his blanket (cover)? Or does he speak with the desert or the shrubs, or with hills or trees?

Accordingly why would he need that teaching? The fact is, he fights to become perfect – he does not teach others, but needs it for himself.

What about those who live in this life (in the world)? They are in dire need of this teaching, because a person in the world deals with more sources of trouble and trials than a monk.

Be advised that a person with such teaching is more appreciated than others. Everyone will respect him when they realize that he is not bad-tempered or ruthless.

Now you know this; teach your children to know the Lord and His counsel!

What if a person was poor?… Just because he does not serve among the royal courtiers does not mean that this learning will harm him. Instead, it will earn him the admiration of others… If the external appearance of philosophers, alone, as an image of abstract philosophy, can lift a person’s status, what would it be for the love of true and enlightening wisdom? Wouldn’t everyone start to respect such a person? Wouldn’t they unreservedly trust him with their homes, wives and children?

Tell me, which trees are best? Don’t we prefer trees which are strong inside? Don’t we prefer the ones that are not damaged by rain, hail, storms or any type of harsh weather conditions, but are exposed to all of this without the need for protection of walls or structures? Whoever truly loves wisdom is indeed like that, and he is rich by it, as already described. He has nothing but has everything; has everything but has nothing. A fence does not protect the inner strength and a wall is not natural support, because they are superficial protection…

A man rich in virtues is a real lover of wisdom and does not need any of these things. That is why the Apostle advises us to raise our children on the Lord’s discipline and warnings (Eph. 6:4)…

Let us raise our children according to the Lord’s teachings and warnings so that we may secure a great reward. If artists who make sculptures and paint pictures of kings receive great recognition, wouldn’t God bless myriads of times whoever proclaims and adorns his image, because man is the image of God?

When we teach our children to be good, friendly, and forgiving (these are all attributes ascribed to God), and to be generous and loving to their neighbors, considering this present time as nothing, we instill virtue in their souls and declare God’s image in them.

This, then, is our duty: to teach ourselves, and our children piety. Otherwise, what would be our answer before Christ’s throne of judgment? If a person who has unruly children does not qualify to be a bishop, how would he qualify for the kingdom of heaven?

4. Deliver the Child into the Hands of the Lord!

Why refuse to follow the examples of men and women saints of the Old Testament? Tell me! Especially you mothers; think about Hannah’s example and see what she did. She brought her only son Samuel to the Temple when he was only a child!

Which one of you does not want her son to be like Samuel, who was better than any king in the whole world myriads of times?

You might say: “That’s impossible! My son will not be so great like him!”

Why is it impossible? Maybe it is because you don’t really want that! Put him in the hands of the Capable One who can make him great. And Who is this? God!

Hannah entrusted Samuel in God’s hands.

Eli the high priest was not the person who shaped Samuel. In fact, he failed in shaping his own two sons. It was the faith of the mother and her devotion that made everything possible.

He was her first-born and only child. She did not know if she would have another child, however, she never said: “I’ll wait until he grows up, and taste the joys of the world, at least in his youth.” No, she rejected all such ideas. She had one goal, and from the start, she was able to devote the joy of her heart to God.

Men; be ashamed of yourselves when faced by the wisdom of this woman. She offered Samuel to and left him with the Lord. Because of this her marriage was blessed further, since her main interest was in spiritual matters. She devoted her womb’s first born to God and gained many more sons afterwards. She also saw Samuel honored in this life.

If people respond to honor with honor, wouldn’t God do more to those who honor Him? He gives a lot even to those who don’t honor Him!

How long would we remain stuck to our earthly bodies? How long would we hold on to the world?

Everything should come in the second place after our interest in our children, so that we bring them up in the Lord’s teachings and warnings (Eph. 6: 4).

5. God’s Own Interest in Child Rearing

St. John Chrysostom tells us about God’s own interest in the upbringing of children, for they are precious souls in his eyes. It was Him who created paternity and maternity motives in the parents. Through this motive, ‘Parenthood,’ both the father and the mother feel the obligation to bring up their children.

God also put commandments and laws in the Scriptures to demonstrate his interest in the upbringing of children.

St. John Chrysostom believes that God cares so much about raising children that he commanded the children to be obedient to their parents, and He Himself rewarded the obedient, while making parents proud of their children. Children are at the center of God’s care.

God himself gives great attention to upbringing of children. This is the reason for which He put such natural affinity between parents and their children – that is to put parents in a position which compels them to care for their children.

He made specific laws for this care, and established special feasts to get us to demonstrate its meaning.

For example, He summed up the meaning of Passover in the following teaching: “And you shall tell your son in that day, saying: This is done because of what the Lord did for me when I came up from Egypt” (Exodus 13: 8).

He did the same regarding the Law. When he talked about the firstborn, he added: “So it shall be, when your son asks you in time to come saying, ‘What is this?’ that you shall say to him, ‘By strength of hand the Lord brought us out of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. And it came to pass, when Pharaoh was stubborn about letting us go that the Lord killed all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man and the firstborn of animal. Therefore, I sacrifice to the Lord all males that open the womb, but all the firstborn of my sons I redeem’” (Exodus 13: 14-15).

Through all of that God commanded a parent to show his children the way to know Him.

As for the children, God commanded them too on many occasions regarding their parents. And, God gave rewards for the obedient and punishment for the defiant, in order to make the parents more proud of their children.

6. Appreciation for the Value of the Child and his Abilities

St. Chrysostom looks to the child in amazing appreciation and pride. He sees children as philosophers in formation, warriors in training, and citizens who evolve in readiness for eternal life in heaven (Chapters 38, 39). The Saint sees in them great capabilities achieved through dedicated training. The Saint perceives the child as a city with many gates or entrances.

A soul may be inhabited by good judges and magistrates or by evil and dishonorable ones. Therefore, the child is in need for laws to regulate wrong actions. Slackness leads to the destruction of the city (Chapters 23-26).

The gates of the city that need to be guarded are the five senses: the tongue (taste and speech), sight, smell, touch and hearing (Chapter 27-37).

7. Warning of Corporal Punishment!

The Saint had indeed explained that making rules for conduct without practicing them, would invalidate them (Chapter 26), and also that the threat of punishment without implementation is useless (Chapter 30). Discipline and strictness are two important matters, but he warns parents against the use of corporal punishment. In his view, the wise father (or mother) is obliged to stop the extended use of corporal punishment, i.e. using a stick. The use of the stick leads to the child’s disregard and indifference of punishment, and also it does not create the love of virtue. The child should fear punishment, but do not have to suffer from it (Chapter 30).

8. The Child’s Learning & Training should be According to his Abilities:

The Saint considers the words of the Apostle: “provoke not your children” (Eph. 6: 4 and Cor 3: 21), as a request not to make demand of the child which exceeds his abilities and potential. Elaboration on his education is not appropriate (Chapter 52) so that he is not scared of learning.

9. Teach by Example:

The Saint focused on the parents’ function as role models in the lives of their children, and since they ask them to be philosophers, fighters and heavenly citizens, it is fitting for parents to be like that so that the children may have actual examples in them.

10. Awareness of Other People who have Influence on the Child:

The Saint stresses the importance of the parents’ careful consideration when choosing anyone who will have influence on their children. They should not allow those who are close to them to tell them trivial and nonsense stories, but their children should listen to stories from the Bible in a delightful way with opportunity for dialogue and discussion. In addition, it is not appropriate to ignore discussing the Lord’s discipline for the wicked as well as explaining God’s love for us.

11. Attention to Sanctification of the Child’s Senses:

We saw how the Saint pays attention to the senses as being the main gates of the soul (the city). He began by talking about the tongue. He did not mention the sense of smell as much but he emphasized that parents should not overdo the use of fragrances. The purpose of the nose is to breathe air that is beneficial to the body – not indulging in fragrances. Some consider this a trivial matter but the Saint confirms otherwise (Chapter 54).

12. Purity of the Heart:

The Saint focused on parents’ alertness in guiding their child towards purity of the inner heart, by teaching him love and patience, especially in dealing with servants (Chapters 66-69) and with his younger siblings (Chapter 74), and to treat his servants as brothers (Chapter 72).

13. Chastity and Purity in the Lives of our Children

The Saint asks parents not to allow their child to go to the theaters so that sexual promiscuity does not creep on him (Chapter 77). This is only the negative approach. From the positive side, they should support him to keep the fast on Wednesdays and Fridays to enjoy the life of purity and chastity.

He asks the parents to encourage their child to marry early, after he matures into proper life, to save his purity.

14. Wisdom as a Priority in Child Rearing:

The Saint highlights the parents’ important role in instilling wisdom into their child which will grant him self-control (Chapter 85), and give him sound understanding of wealth, fame and power, by implanting the fear of the Lord in his heart (Chapter 85), that he would desire the heavenly, not the earthly, realm. Through wisdom he will be a good citizen who could also carry out political affairs without fault (Chapter 89).

If we, from the beginning, teach them the love of the true wisdom, they will have better and greater wealth than that brought by richness. Learning a trade or receiving higher education for a very lucrative profession counts as nothing when compared to the ability to give up wealth. If you want to make your child wealthy, teach him this. A truly wealthy person is he who does not desire great possessions or surrounds himself with riches, but the one who does not demand anything!

Do not speculate on how he can enjoy long life here, but how to enjoy indefinitely the eternal life to come. Introduce him to the significant, not the frivolous matters. Do not strive to make him a brilliant speaker, but teach him to love true wisdom. He would not suffer anything if he lacked clever words, but if he lacked wisdom, all the eloquence of the world will not help him… I do not mean that current education is worthless and should be ignored, but we must not overstress its importance or worry about it!

15. Protect them from Pagan Customs:

St. John Chrysostom pointed out in his article the need to keep the children away from pagan customs.

This commandment remains relevant to this generation one way or another. We note the ideas that infiltrated the Church in the West, such as Santa Claus, who gives gifts at Christmas, and the Easter Bunny, to an extent that these almost eliminated the spiritual concepts of Christmas and Easter (Christian Passover), and also started to move slowly to the East.

It is befitting that at Christmas we should focus on the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ as a gift by the Father to mankind and clarify that the story of Santa Claus was adapted from the person of St. Nicholas who loved giving. As for Easter, we should pay attention to giving palm leaves on Palm Sunday and using them in making crosses and hearts, to demonstrate the entry of our Lord Jesus Christ into our hearts – the Inner Jerusalem, and confirm the act of redemption and salvation for the whole world.

16. Not to Put Wrong Concepts in the Children’s Minds:

St. Chrysostom warns parents about labeling serious errors and improper actions with glorified terms, because this would ruins the children’s lives and leads them to decay and looseness.

It is bad enough to encourage your children to practice what is against Christ’s commandments, without having to disguise these practices under glamorous names. You would call the frequent going to horse races and theatres, “social life,” the acquisition of wealth is “freedom,” recklessness is “openness,” extravagance and waste are “human practice” and injustice is “manliness.” As if this deception was not enough, you also label virtues with insulting names. So modesty is “ignorance,” meekness is “cowardice,” justice is “weakness,” humility is “failing,” and controlling anger is “disability.” As if you worry in case your son hears real names of the virtues and improprieties he might escapes from the improprieties, as if they were plague-like…

What is more evil; is that you encourage them to do evil not only by your words but also by your deeds… which is not fair for their souls…

You make every effort to provide your son with a servant, a horse (car in modern times) and luxurious clothing, but you avoid the thought that he himself should be righteous. You are interested in rocks and trees, but you do not pay any attention to souls. You do everything to ensure that your house has beautiful statues (ornaments) and a golden roof, but the soul – which is much more precious than all golden statues – has no consideration from you…When your son is physically sick, you do not need anybody to urge you to get him to full physical health and strength. On the contrary, you would use every resource until his body is in good health and also ensure no recurrence of the disease.

Yet when their children’s souls are sick, they claim that the need for healing is deemed unnecessary. And then they dare to call themselves parents!

17. Be Interested in the Salvation of your Children!

We do not save any effort and would use every means to teach our children modern sciences, so that they can serve as good citizens. At the same time, we do not value the knowledge of the sacred faith or the service to the Heavenly King.

We allow them to attend theatres, but do not care whether they went to church or showed respect whilst there. If we ask them to be accountable to what they learned in the institutions of the world, why then not to ask them about what they heard in the house of the Lord?

18. Paying Special Attention to Children’s Education and Caring for Earthly Matters:

The saint’s focus on heavenly wisdom and up -bringing of children through the word of God, did not mean ignoring their education of modern sciences or sorting out current matters for them.

You say: “What? Should we seek wisdom and abandon everything from the world?” No, you the very distinguished honorable person. This is because it is not love of wisdom, but lack of it, which could lead to corruption and destruction of everything.

19. Encouraging Children towards Consecration:

Just as saintly parents support their children and their blessings remain to support the grandchildren for many generations, likewise, saintly children who consecrate their hearts and lives are supportive to their parents. It was because of David the prophet that the Lord blessed his son Solomon and some of his grandchildren e.g. Hezekiah the king. Samuel the prophet, who came to the world as a result of his mother’s prayers, was also a source of blessing to her.

Let us offer our children to serve God. We should lead them not only to the temple, as happened with Samuel, but also to heaven itself to serve with angels and archangels. It is evident that whoever devotes his life to the love of true wisdom will serve with the angels. That is why such children can greatly meditate not only for themselves, but also for us. If some children receive God’s help because of their parents, it is more likely that parents get help because of their children. In the first case, the help comes through nature and in the second it is through nurturing, which is much more important than nature.

Here are some examples from the Holy Bible:

Hezekiah, the righteous king, whose good deeds were not enough to intercede for him when he was threatened by a great danger, but God saved him because of his father’s virtues, as God had said Himself: “For I will defend this city, to save it for My Own sake and for my servant David’s sake” (2 Kings 19:34).

In addition, Paul the Apostle, in his letter to Timothy, says about parents: “Nevertheless, she (the mother) will be saved in childbearing if they (the children) continue in faith and holiness with self-control” (1Timothy 2: 15).

And, the Bible praises Job because he was blameless and upright, a devout and pure person who steered away from evil (Job 1: 1) and also because of his care for his children (Job 1: 5).

20. Discipline your Child before Life Disciplines Him!

If righteous parents endeavored to give their children a good upbringing, we would have no need for rules, judges, courts or punishment. The judicial system exists because of our lack in morals.

21. Negligence in Child Rearing is a Crime:

St. John Chrysostom often warned parents against neglect in the upbringing of their children, showing how dangerous this sin is. In fact he considered it one of the utmost serious sins and did not hesitate in calling it killing of children.

Suppose you fulfill the commandments of the Scriptures in all other matters, but discount this one commandment. You will then be severely punished.

Note this through the history of the ancient people. You will see how horrific punishments came down on parents who neglected in the upbringing of their children. Among the Jews, there was a reverent priest because of his meek personality, named Eli. This priest had two sons who submitted their souls to every vice. Their father underestimated the matter and ignored it. When their despicable behavior exceeded limits, he reprimanded them mildly, without passion or authority. He should have very firmly punished them to put a stop to that evil, but he did nothing. He only stopped at giving advice, saying: “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people” (1 Samuel 2:23). Was this adequate? Both sons defied and disobeyed the one who gave them life, and despite this he continued to accept them as members of his family – his advice was empty and useless. He should have made them fearful, to remove such blindness from their hearts.

What an empty advice! Eli’s sons did not need such advic e; they were useless words! The two became victims through this sinful meekness! A war started, and the two were prey for the enemies. When their father knew about their calamity, he fell to the ground, broke his neck and died (1 Samuel 4:18)!

I previously mentioned that parents who do not care about raising their children in Christian upbringing are killers of those children. Isn’t this true?! Who should Eli blame for the death of his two sons? He ought to blame himself! It is true that the enemy’s sword killed them, or was it their father’s carelessness that aimed the blow towards them. When heavenly help parted from them, they became exposed to the arrows of the Palestinians. The father destroyed himself and devastated them. Nonetheless, we come across this on a daily basis.

How many parents do not want to take responsibility for reforming and disciplining their unruly children? They are like some people who are afraid to distress their children lest the power of firm words control foul likings. What would be the result? Their sickness increases, and as they become resistant to punishment, they commit crimes. They are led to courts and desperately die at the hands of their prosecutors.

You give up your personal rights over them and therefore lead them to civil punishments where human justice is cruel.

You worry about insulting them with mild punishment in your presence, but what a horrific insult if a father is no longer able to see his son beside him, but hiding and being chased by his accusers, and wouldn’t dare appear in any place!

Negligence in raising children is one of the greatest sins. It is the highest level of wickedness… If we do not pay attention to the salvation of our children, we will get the harshest punishment.

You are aware of the story of Eli the high priest in the Holy Scriptures. He was a well -known elderly priest who judged the Jewish nation without error for twenty years. He lived in times when harsh firmness was not widespread. Yet he could not uphold himself. On the contrary, he horrifically perished in a disaster because he did not care about the behavior of his two sons, as he should have done. His carelessness and negligence were considered great sins, which overshadowed his good traits and all his good deeds.

What would be our conviction as we live in times which fully encourage the love of wisdom when we do not even practice Eli’s virtues?

Children’s corruption does not arise in a vacuum, but from parent’s delusions about earthly matters. Because they focus their interest only on earthly matters and consider anything else to be of no value, they are automatically driven towards neglecting their children’s hearts.

I say, that these parents (no one should think that I came up with these words in anger) – are worse than murderers of children. One separates the body from the soul, and the other sends both to hell. Death is inevitable according to the laws of nature but the fate that follows can be avoided if parents’ neglect did not cause it in the first place.

Physical death will end at the moment of resurrection, but there would be no reward waiting for a lost soul. It will not benefit from resurrection, but endure eternal suffering. This means that it is not unfair to consider these parents worse than killers of children. Sharpening a dagger and holding it in a hand, ready to put in a child’s heart is not as cruel as degrading and destroying a soul. Nothing is equivalent to the soul.

22. Prepare Them for Sacred Marriage:

We have seen that some people seem to worry that studying the Bible may make their children love ascetic monastic life. The Saint explained to them that the person who lives in the world – so to speak – has great need for the word of God to discipline and sanctify him, so that he is blessed and successful, both in his life and in his dealings with others. With that, the Saint stresses the children’s need for holy teaching to prepare them for sacred marriage.

If we put boundaries (for children) from an early age, we wouldn’t later on have the need for such great effort. On the contrary, the boundaries will become their routine and rules. We should not allow them to be involved in leisure activities which are damaging at the same time. Pleasing them only because they are children will harm them more than anything during their adolescence…

Find them wives at an early age, so that they unite with their brides with pure and uncorrupted bodies…

Whoever is chaste before marriage is the same after marriage. Those who learned adultery before marriage, do the same afterwards. It is written in the Divine Scriptures “All bread is sweet to the adulterer” (Sirach 23:17). For this reason, a crown is placed on the head (in the altar), as a sign of victory. They are entering the wedding not conquered or oppressed by lust. There is no reason to put a crown on the head of whoever gets into the love of pleasures and surrenders his soul to adultery, because he has been defeated. Instill this in them, teach and pressure them by all means.

Father Tadros Y. Malaty, Family Love (SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ: Queen Mary & Prince Tadros Coptic Orthodox Church).