CHILDHOOD WORLD
Children have their own world. It is befitting for the parents – as leaders – to learn it, so they can enter it, not with the spirit of authority or control, or to take it lightly and underestimating it, but in the spirit of love and poise and respect to live with them in the “world of childhood” and walk with them to “the teenage world” and then to “the maturity world,” where children, walking along with their parents, grow together in knowledge and experience.
To get through the door of “the world of childhood” without breaking into it, and for the parents to exercise their true love, we need to take into consideration the following basic principles:
1. PARENTAL AUTHORITY IS FOR THE CHILDREN!
Jesus showed His love for those who were sick and healed them even on Saturday, stressing that “the Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27), because He sees that the human is the most valuable of all, and the commandments were made for him. With this understanding we can say that parental authority is for the children, not the children for parental authority. It is befitting for parents and all leaders in the church and in society to acknowledge that the life and development of a child is greater than any authority or power. Our mission is to help him reach maturity, not to assert our authority on him, but to let him enjoy the glorious liberty of the children of God (Romans 8:21).
We need to be able to develop every child strong in Jesus Christ and not to control him, so he can enjoy in Jesus’ Kingdom of Love. Thus, as we carry our Christ crucified, the lover of children, it is fitting for us to crucify the love of control in ourselves. So, we put down ourselves to help them, and get into their world with the spirit of true love, understand their feelings, appreciate their points of view, and get to know their secrets with reverence, so that they open their hearts to us and accept us into their private world.
In everyday life, if you feel that your child resents to share with you his worldview even by giving you a hint, examine yourself, maybe one day you might have despised his way of playing, or did not answer his questions, or considered his actions a waste of time, or dealt with his friends with contempt etc. Our Christ came down to our world, and did not despise our lives, but shared with us our hopes and feelings, that is why we open up our hearts to him with love! Let us deal with our children as our Lord deals with us, so they would accept us in their world and truly listen to us!
2. YOUR JOB IS TO PAVE THE WAY NOT TO OWN THEM
Professor Costi Bandali states that it is befitting for parents to treat their children with the attitude of St. John the Baptist towards Christ, who after paving the way for Christ stepped down with joy, saying: “He who has the bride is the bridegroom, but the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore, this joy of mine is fulfilled “(John 3:29).
Parents often feel that they own their children. In Roman law, the life of a child was under the mercy of his father, he can slay him or keep him. To this day, many parents want their children to remain under their control in everything, even after getting married. Wise parents follow John the Baptist’s example; they prepare the way for their children as their friends, serve them, feel happy with their good development even if they have different talents or capabilities. They do not ask their children to be copies of them, but to be mature persons who have their own independent personality and their private entity.
3. MUTUAL BENEFITS
By having children, the couple gets new experiences, since with every child born, they prepare themselves psychologically to learn and enjoy parenthood throughout different stages of their child growth. The role of the father (or mother) is not to issue orders of do’s and don’ts, or to form their child according to their whims, but to teach him love, prayer, reading, and how to seek advice. However, it is most important for parents to learn from their child, because learning is mutually exchangeable in the circle of love.
St. Cyprian, a bishop famous for his constant learning with his people, he taught them and learned from them. He said; “a wise spiritual father interacts with confessors under the guidance of the Spirit of God and also learns from them.” Let us listen to our children and take care of their overt and covert actions, not to control it, but to guide them with love and pick from them what is beneficial for us!
4. MUTUAL OBEDIENCE
At the age of eighteenth months, a child starts to practice saying “no,” because he turns from a psychological little infant who cannot help but to do what his mother wants him to do into recognizing his “ego,” which was formerly integrated with his mother. In order to achieve this self-starting in independence, he says “no” to his mother and does “yes.” This means: “No, because you ask me,” At the same time, I do “yes,” because I want to do that.
Hopefully, we do not misunderstand “no” here as means of disobedience and stubbornness, but the desire for maturity and formation of his own personality, which has its entity independent from the mother, so instead of resisting, she can disclose to him with love for the concept of obedience by obeying him in what is right and proper, so he realizes that maturity is achieved not by “no” but with love and accepting what is right. This does not mean that we submit to our children in all their requests and orders, otherwise it turns obedience to the chaos, and love to carelessness.
How beautiful is it that a mother bows with love to listen to her child, and obey him with the spirit of love, and how great is it for a priest to bend to hear the voice of the people in a spirit of piety and wisdom. Do not be surprised to hear about obedience of parents and leaders to a child, and their appreciation for him and his entity. God Himself has taught us this. The One to Whom all the heavenly and earthly creations subject to, says to Moses: “I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in My sight, and I know you by your name” (Exodus 33:17).
5. THE SPIRIT OF DIALOGUE
A child is not a pretty doll or a puppet that we own and be proud of, nor is he a very precious property that we hold, but he is a living human being with his own personality, concepts, abilities, and intelligence. We need to respect him and deal with him as a person to person. We need to learn from God himself, He Who knows everything, and how He deals with us, as it was said: “The Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend” (Exodus 33:11).
Have conversations and discussions with your child, but do not dictate your concepts or ideas, and then demand his obedience, but listen to him and hear his questions with great interest and appreciate his ideas and concepts, and learn what is behind his actions.
A child who is about three years old begins to wonder what all things are and what is their source! These questions indicate his thirst to discover the world around him, and his yearning for knowledge. It may be also due to fear or anxiety. A parent’s heart expands to hear in attention and care, and answers without a lie: in a simple, explicit way to the extent that is understood by the child that is necessary to his development without misunderstanding. We should respect our children thoughts, and give them the attention even if the matter seems trivial to us. By this way, we give them sound knowledge about everything that goes on around them and the children would trust us and do not hide or conceal something in their hearts, and they also do not go to get advice from others, especially in adolescence. Dr. Malak Guirguis gave some examples of the children’s questions and how to answer them.
On the other hand, when children have questions about sexuality, we should listen to them without reprimanding them or showing any kind of disgust, and answer those questions in a simple, quiet, and wise way; we can explain to the children as much as they could understand, offering them the truth in a proper way.
I recall the words of a woman who said to me: “One of the scenes that are very influential in my life is when one day, I entered the church and found Father Bishoy Kamel putting his hand on a little girl’s shoulder and bending down completely to listen to her! I knew how he was able to climb into the world of childhood!”
6. ASCENDING TO THE WORLD OF CHILDHOOD
We cannot get into the world of childhood if we did not understand the concept behind the child’s behavior. Quoted here are some examples mentioned by Dr. Costi Bandali about some situations mentioned in the writings of some scholars in development:
a. A child, who was twenty months of age, deliberately made her hands dirty with the coal, and then came to the maid to wash her hands. The mother was angry at the beginning, but after a little while, she realized that the child wants to learn how to wash her own hands, and the maid insists on washing her hands. The mother began to teach her how to wash her hands by herself, and as soon as she learned, the girl stopped getting her hands dirty.
b. A boy came in with his bike that was soiled with mud to the family room, his father got angry and asked him to take his bike back outside, but the boy through a tantrum and said “no,” the father said the bike is dirty and the room is clean, the child still did not care. Then the father smiled and told his son to invite his friend to spend the night with him, and it is not appropriate for his friend to come and see the room dirty. The boy then took his bike outside and came back in and cleaned the carpet!
c. To give an order to a child to leave his game so he can go eat or sleep immediately is not the right thing to do because though he might listen right away, deep inside he might feel frustrated, or feel that he is a failure, and loses self-confidence, because someone broke into his world. He was very happy imagining himself as a horse or an elephant, or maybe a bird, and no one gave him a few minutes to come out of it and prepare himself to accept the change.
d. Throwing orders of “Dos” and “Don’ts” in moments of anger develop an adverse reaction in children. Leaders (parents) who could not control their temper cannot raise a generation free of nervousness.
Let us hope that in our dealings with our children, we do not stop at the outer appearance, but look for the internal motives of the children! I recall, for example:
I. We accuse a child of violence because he tried to hurt his younger brother while playing with him when his parents were not around. We can prevent him from doing that by rebuking him, but aggression will remain suppressed within him. He was the only son, the king of the house, and the focus of interest of the whole family, so he feels that his younger brother stripped him of his throne, so jealousy is normal. If we would ignore it, it can get transformed into a desire to torture animals, birds or insects, and perhaps can turn later on to a desire to torture others, even his parents when he gets to his teenage years. It might even accompany him all his life. A teacher gave a doll to a child like that, and asked him to beat it. In the beginning the child did not accept, but days later after it lost value in his eyes, he started beating the doll until it came apart. But the teacher managed to talk to him, so he realized his mistake, and turned to a loving child even to his brother!
II. A mom might force her daughter to meet friends to help her get rid of her shyness, but to no avail. So, it is important to understand what is the reason for her timidity. Maybe, the reason is a particular incident that caused her to fear all those who are around her, or perhaps she feels that she is a failure as a result of constant criticism by her parents, especially in front of others.
III. We may accuse a child of theft because he takes what is not his. In fact, it is a setback to early childhood in which the child feels that he owns everything. Failure leads him to revert to an early age, and exercise actions that is below his age; as his desire to own everything or bedwetting, etc.
IV. We may accuse a child of lying, while he does not differentiate between fact and fiction. What we think is a lie, might actually be an expression of his daydreaming, which shows the wishes of the child and his desires.
7. THE UNVEILING OF A CHILD’S TALENTS AND ABILITIES BY THE SPIRIT OF ENCOURAGEMENT
A wise parent is the one who knows the talents and the capabilities of his child, so he can guide him to work in a direction that will utilize his energies, developing it and unveiling new talents in his life. The parent must take into account the child’s age, ability, and psychology, never describe the child as stupid, otherwise he will act stupid, nor to make him bear more than his capacity, leading him to failure.
Christ said: “My Father has been working until now, and I have been working” (John 5:17). Work is the first commandment that was given to man when he was in the Garden of Eden at the start of human life. Work in human life – whether a child or an old man – is essential. Without it he loses his vitality, loses his peace, and falls into the abyss of boredom and weariness.
Work has its special blessings in childhood if it is guided in the proper way, including:
a. It increases his experience; it teaches the child something new every day. That is why St. Jerome asked a mother to take care of filling her little girl’s time with what benefits her. He wrote in a letter addressed to the mother: Bring a set of characters made of wood or ivory, and give each character a suitable name… Let her play with these things, to learn something new, even in her play.
b. Encourage their development with joy: Parents need to wisely guide their children; they should encourage their children’s work and give them confidence and joy, and not resort to reprimanding them, especially in front of others so they do not fall into despair. This way, they enhance their love to achieve and make them more eager to learn. As St. Jerome said; [Offer your daughter gifts for proper pronunciation, encourage her with gifts that rejoice children of her age. Let her have friends during her school years then she will learn how to compete, do not rebuke her if she is not doing good in school, but try to encourage her so she does better and feels good about herself. Above all, avoid presenting her with tasteless lessons; otherwise she will grow up to hate learning and knowledge.]
c. Devote a special share in their time for spiritual work during childhood years, as it keeps them going all the days of their lives. St. Augustine admits that, during that time of his life when he was still doing evil deeds, the words of his mother during his childhood were like pricks in his heart.The Early Fathers asked parents to pay special attention to teaching their children the church hymns and psalms. In the words of St. Jerome to a mother: [Reward your daughter for praising with psalms, so she will love to learn it with joy, and not being forced to do it.]
d. Absorb the energies of the child in a positive way: We often hear about the “problem child” who is violent and tends to ruin things. A child like that has a lot of energy that needs to be directed in the right way. He needs wise parents who gets him involved in the work around the house. He also can take a role in the church, so he can grow to be a valued individual who is useful for himself and for others without any suppression or recklessness. A “naughty” child is fit to become an energetic effective leader.
e. Participation in the family life: The house for any child is the first school that could makes out of him a lively active person, with an ample heart full of love for the Lord and all people, or it can create a dead, negative, close-minded person who does not enjoy the company of the Lord or the people. Since the Christian home is an extension of the church and a living member within her; let us pay special attention to what happened on the day of Pentecost, as the Holy Spirit settled on the disciples in the form of tongues of fire on each one of them. Everyone received a special tongue; a special talent and a specific work, that integrated with and complemented all the others.
Church also in its unity provides each one of her children with a special “tongue,” meaning that she believes in his distinctive personality and special talents. So the church lives with love in unity and harmony, without molding every member in the same mold , but offering each one of them his special work, and none of them is left out without a function.
So also for the Christian home, it is appropriate for parents to realize that their children are not robots who follow their orders or their demands without discussion, but to know that they are living members, and they have their own ideas, their potential, their feelings, and their talents. Having that in mind, parents should be able to help their children grow with a broad mind and heart and become an active member in their home, church, country and in the society as well.
8. CARING FOR THE CHILD AS A WHOLE
As we believe that each child has his own personal entity, it is fitting for us to take care of all aspects of his life without favoring one aspect at the expense of the others. I mean his spiritual life, his physical and psychological health, also his involvement in sports and games, as well as his relationship with others, how he gets involved in family matters, his mental abilities, and how he is doing in school etc. This caring will not be achieved unless his family has a real balance in every aspect of life, and then he gets to feel the warmth of love in his family, especially among his parents, and also feels how they truly rely on God joyfully within their family, without complaining or feeling discontent or distressed, and also gets a taste of the church’s true spiritual environment in his parents’ spirituality.
OWNING OR LAUNCHING?
Dr. Costi Bandali offers a frank question to all parents: Is your love for your child “owning or launching? ” I already spoke about the relationship between parents and their adolescent children in the book “Let Me Grow Up” offering the same idea under the title: “Do Not Buy Me With Money… I am a human! ”
Proper family relationship is not based on selfish love, which suffocates and destroys, but on love that offers freedom and vitality. The parents have the right to own their child if they let their child own them in return, so they would not suppress their child’s capabilities! Mutual ownership that is based on love and freedom is a sacred ownership, just like a shadow for our relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ, where we say to Him: “My Beloved is mine and I am His” (Song of Songs 2:16). Before He claimed us to Himself, He offered Himself first for us to own! So we get to see that our Lord and Savior does not treat us as precious objects He acquired for Himself. Rather, He treats us as people whom He loves with different talents and abilities. Even though these talents and abilities are all gifts from Him, they became an integral part of our being. He sanctifies them and helps their development.
With the same essence it is befitting for parents to give their children the right to grow according to their own special talents and abilities, to set them off as independent figures, firmly directing them with love, but without oppression or tyranny. Give them what is positive for their development with appreciation and respect.
Education scholars give us some reasons why parents want to be controlling and why they desire to keep the child under their protection, as if he was completely helpless, or to be an exact copy of one of them, or to follow their commands blindly, even when he would reach the age of puberty:
1. The need to feel that we are important; we take advantage of the child’s dependency on us, and him seeking our care, so we stop him from thinking for himself, make him hesitant in whatever he is doing, not trusting in his potentials. Sometimes we push him to be shy or lazy, while we consider that as politeness or as a quiet nature, or we might lead him to violence, carelessness, and inability to bear responsibility.
2. Sometimes we behave as if we were semi-gods; we crush the will of our children to affirm ours, instead of helping them fulfill their entity. In this we violate God’s plan for them, because He is the Creator of everyone, yet He does not exercise control on His creation, but offers them love based on the spirit of mutual understanding and dialogue.
Use of control may bring respect ostensibly and temporarily, which masks a sense of aggression that can explode in the adolescent years and beyond, when a person who declares retribution repels against his family and/or all the human or divine authority, even at the expense of destroying his entire life!
3. A father would practice his passion to own his child when he ignores the true identity of the child and his unique characteristics; and he might desire to fulfill his own dreams in his child even if it was inconsistent with the child’s character or his tastes or circumstances. So, he would push his son in a certain direction that is not suitable for him, and that leads him from one failure to another, at the end it demolish all his child’s talents. A university professor would aspire to see his child grow up fast, and follow his foot-steps, so he would pass along to him all his experience and expertise in his field, even if that field does not match what his son or daughter might like.
A father might find in his child a way to compensate for what he was denied or has suffered from in his own childhood or his youth. So, a father who had been deprived of the kindness of his parents, becomes too lenient with his child and excessively does not set limits to his demands, which leads the child to lose his sense of responsibility. And a mother, who did not have a good husband, might ask her daughter to act in a certain way when she gets married!
4. Perhaps one of the most serious practices that parents can fall into is that they would love their child not for himself but as an extension of themselves, especially if there is a family dispute, each party will try to attract the child, and fulfills all his/her requests, regardless of his/her mistakes, which will make him/her lose his/her sensibility and ability to withstand responsibility. Sometimes in family disputes the father finds a substitute for his wife in his daughter, and the mother finds a substitute for her husband in her son, and they end up controlling them like puppets and they never mature psychologically.
5. A parent’s possession of his child through a narcissistic relationship with his son/daughter; he sees his own self-image in his son/daughter, he wants him/her to be an exact copy of him, and to be an extension of his existence, and to commemorate him. Now let us seriously think about our children and about the sincerity of our love for them. Let us learn how to love them without excessive pampering, and how to care for them without shattering their will, their personalities or their self-entity in the Lord.
Father Tadros Y. Malaty, Family Love (SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ: Queen Mary & Prince Tadros Coptic Orthodox Church).