When the Only Begotten Son came to us in the flesh, He made known to us a new and unique concept of child-parent relationship where the Son and the Father are of one essence and one nature. Through our bond to the Son, we get to understand this child-parent relationship as much as our hearts could expand for the union with him. As a result we sense contentment in submitting to our fathers and obeying them in the Lord till death.
God’s love is wonderful and infinite. While He is the Creator of all, He accepted to become a Son to the Virgin Mary in the flesh, and to be adopted by St. Joseph. That is how He carries us with Him into this child-parent relationship, even to the earthly parents, to obey and submit to them.
QUALITIES OF LOVING CHILDREN
1 – Obedience to Parents:
It was said about Jesus: “Though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered” (Hebrews 5:8). We, as members of His body, as we unite with Him, are rightly considered obedient because we then attain His qualities. In addition, we get to understand obedience, not as suppression, humiliation or demeaning to us, but as union with Christ, Who obeyed the Father with whom He is One in essence, and also obeyed St. Mary and St. Joseph, who are the making of his own hands. Thus we understand true obedience as maturity and union with our Lord Jesus Christ.
- The Bible says, “He was obedient to them.” To whom did Jesus was obedient?! Did he not was obedient to His parents?! As the Son of Man, He was obedient to His parents (St. Joseph, His father according to the laws, and His mother St. Mary)…
The children should understand the commandment concerning them: obedience and submission to their parents. The whole world is subjected to Christ, and still Christ was obedient to His parents.
St. Augustine
- [In a letter he wrote to a mother and her celibate daughter, when they had a dispute among themselves:]
If you love each other, then what you are doing is not worthy of praise. But if you hate each other, then you commit a crime!
Jesus was obedient to His parents (Luke 2:51). He respected His mother, although He Himself was her Father! He honored His adoptive father, who himself was provided for by Christ! That was because he appreciated that the first carried Him in her womb and the second carried Him in his arms…
Actually, I will not say anything to the mother, because her excuse may be old age, weakness or loneliness. But I tell you, O daughter: Is your mother’s home too small to accommodate you?! She is the one whose womb wasn’t too small to carry you!
If you could live for nine months in her womb, can you not live one more day in her home? Or is it that you cannot tolerate her?!…
Your response might be: my mother’s behavior is wicked! She seeks earthly things! She despises fasting! Sin is her make-up! She walks about in obscene clothes! That’s why I cannot live with her!
Before anything else, even if she was as you described her, you will be rewarded for declining to search for her mistakes.
She carried you in her womb, nurtured you, and kindly put up with your childhood with noble affection. She washed your clothes and nursed you in illness… She sustained you till you became a young woman and taught you the love of Christ. Therefore, you should not be annoyed by the behavior of your mother who dedicated you as a virgin to serve your Groom “Lord Jesus.”
St. Jerome
2 – Obedience in the Lord
The believer obeys his parents and his kin for the sake of God. But if this obedience means disobedience to God, then obedience to God prevails. The apostle commands us: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
The Bible and the Church history gave examples to that:
a. The sons of the Rechabites disobeyed a Prophet
The Lord wanted to present them as model for “in the Lord” obedience and also to rebuke the unruly Israelites. Therefore, he sent the prophet Jeremiah to them who said: “drink wine.” They told him: “We do not drink wine,” (Jeremiah 35:6). They said “No” to the prophet and became the highest model for obedience to the Lord, and for the implementation of His commandment, although they disobeyed a prophet!
St. Paul says: “For even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what you have received, let him be accursed” (Galatians 1:8). The Apostle Peter emphasizes: “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).
b. Demiana the Martyr admonished her father
St. Demiana the Martyr lived in the fear of God, and learned how to obey and subject herself to her father. But, the moment she heard that her father denied the faith, she rushed to his palace, entered it without giving any greeting or salute, and told him: “What is this that I heard about you? I wish I received news of your death rather than hearing that you have abandoned the God Who created you from nothing into existence to bow to hand-made idols! Be warned, if you insist on what you are doing now and do not leave the worship of idols, you will not be my father any more, and I will not be your daughter”. Then she left.
c. A sister reprimands her brother
It is recorded in the Synaxarium (6th of Baramhat) that someone from Alexandria named Dioscorus denied the Christian faith. His sister was in Fayoum when she learned about this, she wrote him a message: “How much I would have liked to receive news of your death as a Christian – I would have been overjoyed – and not receive news that you deserted Christ, your God…
I make it clear that this message is to be the last communication between us. From now on, do not show me your face or write to me”.
- “Children, obey your parents in the Lord” (Eph. 6:1), i.e. according to the Lord’s will. He meant to say, “Obey them in what is commanded by the Lord.” What if they instructed with stupid matters?!…
In any case, the Apostle was cautious when he said “in the Lord,” so as not to disobey God.
Therefore, if a father is a Gentile or a heretic, we are not obliged to obey him (if he contravenes the Lord), because he is not instructing us “in the Lord”.
- Do not be surprised that St. Paul gave specific guidance about parents, commanding us to obey them in all matters, because he meant that obedience to them would apply as long as it does not hinder piety.
It is truly a sacred duty to honor them, but if they ask what is beyond duty, it is not appropriate to obey them.
This was mentioned in Luke’s gospel: “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple” (Luke 14:26). Jesus did not command us to loathe them, as this is a violation of the Law, but He was concerned with any person who might love anyone else more than Him, because it means that this person hates Him, and that is destructive to both the loving and the beloved, too. He made this clear in order to strengthen children’s willpower and increase the parents’ nobleness.
St. John Chrysostom
- If I hear my father, my mother, or my brother say anything against Christ, my Master, I will denounce the insults of his mouth as if they were coming out of the mouth of a rabid dog… Whoever does not acknowledge his father or his mother (because of their denial to the faith), carries out the will of the Lord, because whoever loves a father or mother more than Christ, is not worthy of Him (Matt. 10:37).
St. Jerome
- You might say: I am afraid to anger those who are higher than me! Then do all you can not to anger them and not anger God.
If you are afraid to upset those who are above you, look whether there is a God above them. Then, by all means, do not upset anyone above all of you.
This is an established principle, but is it not obvious that in all circumstances, you should not anger the One who is above all?!…
Your father and your mother are first in being older than you. If they taught you upright and brought you to Christ, then, listen to them and obey them in everything. The hope is that they will not command anything against the One who is above them – so that they may be obeyed!
Only if a father orders his son contrary to the Lord God’s wishes, the son must disobey his father.
And the father must not be angry that the son favored God!
But if a father’s instructions do not contradict the Lord, he should be listened to, for one’s obedience to his father is a divine commandment.
St. Augustine
- [St. Jerome wrote in the year 373 or 374 AD to Heliodorus encouraging him to the monastic life, despite his parents’ refusal. Here are some extracts:]
“You asked me to invite you to the desert, where I reside… so I am inviting you now: Come and come quickly.
No longer think of old connections. The desert is only for those who left everything! Do not let the burden of your old travels delay you. You believe in Christ. Believe in his words: “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).
But what am I doing? Why do I foolishly beseech you again?!
I will not revert to pleas, and I will end pleasantries.
You disrespected my pleas, and I hope you will consider my challenges. What is still keeping you in your father’s house, you spoiled soldier?! Where are your barriers and trenches?!…
Remember the day your name was registered, when you were buried with Christ in the baptism. You promised to be faithful to Him, and declared that – for His sake – you are willing to break away from your father and mother.
Watch all the enemy’s ranks sigh in grief because of the gift that you gained when you entered in the service of Christ!
Does your young nephew embrace you?! Do not pay him attention. Your mother is putting ashes on her head and tearing her clothes to
show you the bosom which nurtured you?! Do not weaken for this. Does your father stretch out across the door?! Cross over to the road still.
Let’s maintain our focus on the Cross with dry eyes. In such cases, cruelty is the real love.
A day will come – actually it has come – when you return victorious to the true city and walk about in heavenly Jerusalem, wearing the crown of bravery… You will then request such trip for your parents. You will also plea for me, the one who sustained you to cross for victory.
- I am not ignoring the ties which may be your excuse as barriers that stop you. My bosom is not iron, my heart is not stone, I am not made of granite, nor was I breastfed from a tiger!
I went through difficulties similar to yours!
Your widow sister nicely hugs you. The slaves scream “What is the reason for you leaving us?” The old nanny and the maid say: “Just wait until we die and take us to the cemetery!” God’s love and the fear of hell will get you through this easily!
- The Bible commands us to obey our parents, but whoever loves them more than Christ loses himself (Matthew 10:37). When the enemy raises a sword to kill me, would I think of my mother’s tears?!
Or would I despise the service of Christ to bury my father? I’m a true servant to Christ and I owe this to everyone…
If they have faith, they should order me in God’s peace to go and fight (spiritually by going to the monastery for a fiercer battle) for his name. If they did not believe in Him, then let the dead bury their dead…
St. Jerome
3 – Accepting Discipline:
True parenthood compels constructive disciplining, and a sincere filiation would tolerate such discipline in love and gratification, as the Wise says:
“My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother; for they will be graceful ornaments on your head, and a pendant for your neck” (Proverbs 1:8-9).
“Hear, my children, the instruction of a father and give attention that you may gain understanding” (Proverbs 4:1).
“For the commandment is a lamp, and the Law is light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life” (Proverbs 6:23).
“He who keeps instruction is in the way of life, but he who refuses reproof goes astray” (Proverbs 10:17).
“Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, and he who hates reproof is stupid” (Proverbs 12:1).
“A wise son loves correction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke” (Proverbs 13:1).
“Poverty and shame will come to him who disdains correction, but he who regards reproof will be honored” (Proverbs 13:18).
“He who hates reproof will die” (Proverbs 15:10).
“He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but whoever heeds reproof acquires understanding” (Proverbs 15:32).
“Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful” (Prov. 27:5-6).
“The eye that mocks his father, and scorns obedience to his mother, will be plucked out by brook ravens; devoured by a brood vultures.” (Proverbs 30:17).
4 –Supporting their Parents:
We have the example of our Master, Jesus Christ. As the Son of the Virgin Mary according to the flesh, He cared for her very much. Even whilst on the cross, He handed her over to the care of His beloved disciple.
The Lord rebuked the Jews for making up new worldly tradition to avoid caring for their parents. In their stinginess, they came up with a new teaching which would allow them to exempt themselves from supporting their parents financially, if they made some offering to the Lord in advance.
- He did not say to them, “the tradition of your fathers,” but rather “your own tradition,” as they were teaching the young ones to despise their parents under the pretense of piety. How?
Their teaching was: If a parent asked his son for a sheep, bull or anything like that, the response would be: “It is a gift to God, and not for your benefit. Do not take it.”
Their insult to their parents was hidden under the word ‘offering.’ As a result, they insulted their parents claiming it was for the sake of God, even though God never stated such a thing. They thus insulted God by insulting their parents.
Observe the Law in which God made clear His passionate desire to honor the parents. He says: “Honor your father and your mother; that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Mark 7:10) and “He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death,” (Exodus 20:12; Eph 6:1-3).
If verbally insulting them leads to such punishment, how much more would it be if the insult was by action?!
St. John Chrysostom
- When He was hanging on the cross, He commanded His disciple – the one who always stayed close to Him before all the sufferings – to take care of His mother.
St. Jerome
- Every person must care for his own kin, especially the believers. The Apostle says in his first letter to Timothy: “If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1Timothy 5:8).
St. Cyprian, the Martyr
Father Tadros Y. Malaty, Family Love (SOUTH BRUNSWICK, NJ: Queen Mary & Prince Tadros Coptic Orthodox Church).